READERS WHO WRITE: Personal pesky pet peeve

Published 3:36 pm Tuesday, November 7, 2023

Readers Who Write

Quick! You will read a word and we need to know your very first thought.

And the word is…catalog. Tell the truth. Did you think “ugh,” “oh, goody,” “aargh,” “can’t wait,” “bring it on,” or “enough already?”

Exactly.

If you have bought anything, anywhere on Planet Earth in the last fifty years, you are now on a master catalog list. That master list is the mother and father of countless other lists which stretch into every nook and cranny wherever there is the faintest sign of civilization. The more remote jungles of New Guinea and deep in the Amazon are possible exceptions, but that may have changed overnight.

There is nothing you can’t order from a catalog (except a living human, perhaps) and, if you work it right (order a whole lot more than you want), you can skip the postage. 

Be forewarned thought.

If you order a hammer, for instance, the next week you mailbox will overflow with catalogs for tractors, widgets, airplane glue, do-it-yourself tiny house plans, propellers, butter churns and tai chi classes.

A lot of catalogs are very high minded and they want you to watch how you treat the environment. They promise to donate a portion of their profits wo wildlife protection. These are full of impressive hunting equipment and waxed jackets from the U.K., but the main hook is the beautiful big dogs. Not just any dogs. We are talking serious manly dos, always black labs, with an occasional golden retriever thrown in for diversity. These beautiful big dogs (models making a fortune) are chiefly seen lolling on expensive plush beds. They need their rest, and they deserve the best.

If you ever let your dog on your bed, you don’t understand dogs. You might as well head to your survival catalog and buy yourself a sleeping bag…and a lantern, a tent, a flashlight, etc. Your Best Friend expects to defend his territory.

The only way to avoid catalogs is to never order from one. Too late, you say? We are sorry. You and you offspring and their offspring will receive catalogs until at least 2054. 

After that, probably not.

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