In these days of obfuscation and bewilderment — when even our usually reliable sources of propaganda wander lost in a stupefying fog of discombobulation — whacking through the weeds to separate the truth from the whole truth from nothing but the truth seems a fool’s errand.

That’s why I’m here … rimshot … to combobulate the dis- and mis- information attacking our senses, and bring chaos to order.

Today, for instance, comes confounding news about a beloved, regal woman from the British Isles, whose rare appearances have captured the fascination and concern of The Empire.

I speak, of course, of Nessie — otherwise known as the “Loch Ness Monster.”

Who’d you think I meant?

Some believe Nessie is a mythological creature. Those bampots are not true Scots. But on one point the disbelievers and true-believers are in full agreement: Nessie — despite some who posit she is simply sporadic expulsions of seismic gas — is female.

So imagine the disgust when an author from The Colonies — who, it appears, also might or might not exist — dare suggest that not only was the Loch Ness Monster a man, but one who would dare find himself the center of a “steamy fantasy romance.”

I know … right?

According to a press release from our friends at the Small World News Service — well, they’re not really our “friends” but, after all, it’s a small world — the cover of said romance novel mysteriously found its way to TikTok, igniting stooshie after stramash across the land of terriers and tape.

Our “friends” at SWNS say that anonymous TikTok talkers made every second count engaging in this marketing ploy … er, this travesty … with such reactions as from Someone: “What did they do to my girl?”; from Another Commenter: ‘My Scottish self is flabbergasted”; and from One: “I’m so confused.”

Filled with flabbergast myself, I decided to do what any self-respecting journalist would do — only I hadn’t a clue what that might be.

Instead, I went to lunch.

Returning, I figured it was time to recap what we’ve learned: A possibly mythical American author has written a steamy fantasy novel wherein a possibly mythical Scottish water creature, believed to be female, is instead presented as male on the cover of said book — causing outrage among anonymous (also possibly mythological) online haterz … all of which is brought to our attention by a seemingly non-mythological “news service.”

In the words of One, I, too, am so confused.

You likely have noticed that I’ve twice referred to this American author without identifying them. (Please tell me you’ve noticed; if not, don’t be a crabbit, just go with the flow. I’m not up to repeating this saga.)

As I plodded along the mis- and dis- information superhighway to ferret out this nefarious plot, I tracked down a webpage devoted to said romance novelist — only to discover zero, zip, zilch in the way of biographical details (residence, academic credentials, pets, spouse, children), not even a photo of them resting their chin artfully on one hand.

Further weed-whacking uncovered that the author calls themself a “bestselling human disaster” who enjoys “making idiots fall in love.”

The book’s publisher, on its devoted page, identifies the author as a woman, a “sex-positive nerd … (who) lives mostly in her own head.”

So … without evidence to the contrary, are we to take the word of those pushing sales of said book that said author exists and, if so, that it is a woman? A woman who (apparently) failed to investigate the gender of their steamy fantasy sex object?

Even our “friends” at SWNS expressed doubt, having reached out to the author for comment and received none — although they did forewarn us that “Nessie fans and book reviewers” wanting to “cast their verdict (sic)” on the novel will have to wait until its release in December.

And that’s your sporadic expulsion of seismic gas for this week.