Peggy Dover

I don’t like monkeys. Truthfully, I dislike them fairly intensely. I would never wish them ill will, but on a scale of one to 10, they sit, but not for long, at about a two on my animal fondness scale.

I’d rather visit a tarantula at the zoo than a monkey. And, given my history with them, I suspect the feeling is mutual. I will get around to my topic, I promise.

Monkeys I have known: The first monkey I had dealings with was at my elementary school when someone’s organ grinder uncle Guido brought one to entertain us kids. It leaped on me and pulled my hair. Back in the old neighborhood in Phoenix, Arizona, my best friend had a next-door neighbor with a pet monkey named Nukas who used to climb over the fence and smear smashed banana all over their sliding glass door. Am I in error when I say that they appear to have no appreciation for humans? They’re too busy looking around and appearing guilty. I’d like for a reader to make a case for the obnoxious monkey.

So, when I saw the ad for Monkey Magnets on television, I was immediately repulsed. I’m not sure why they call them that unless they have the ability to frustrate and make a monkey out of some non-mechanically-minded type when it comes to using them. Unfortunately, I needed these disgustingly named Monkey Magnets.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m not one to repair or build things. You may want to adjust your eye-rolling parameters for the following. True confession — for a few years now I have had a select few kitchen cabinet doors that don’t close. Years! I’ve been using rubber bands around the handles to keep them closed. Yes, it’s pitiful, I know. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s easy to put things off and I hate DIY projects — though I sometimes reminisce about a lamp I once rewired. I saw how easy these MMs looked in the commercial. You just peel and stick and the magnets do the rest. I ordered them. It sort of seems like I ordered these before. I might find another package shoved back into a cupboard someday.

It annoyed me that they’d included screws. The ad assured me that no tools were necessary, just peel and stick, then said that the screws were recommended for wood surfaces, the jerks. They don’t offer details when they’re flashing the phone number and website on the screen. Mine are cherry hardwood cabinet doors. I can picture how inept I would be trying to screw screws into my cherry wood doors. I don’t have to find out. I ignored the hardware.

An evil monkey face grinned from each magnet. Step one was to extricate the MMs (avoiding the offending name) from the flesh-shredding plastic casing. Each time I thought I’d gotten through to the magnets, there was another layer to slice or be sliced through. Once I hit metal, I wasn’t taking any chances believing it was as easy as they showed on TV. I read the directions. I even read the warnings. I was not to swallow or inhale the magnets. No monkey would get that close to my face. So far, so good.

I cleaned the surfaces with alcohol. Next came the tricky part. I was to place the magnets on both sides of the cupboard and mark with a pencil where they should go so they meet. Did I mention these are dark cabinets? Even a black felt-tip marker is hard to see. I put another bulb in the overhead light and took a walk outside to clear my head.

I’m pretty sure the magnet and strike plate (official nomenclature) aren’t lined up, but I’m supposed to wait 24 hours for the adhesive to “cure” before testing strength. My strength is being tested each time I consider repair work. It’s not in my nature, but I do enjoy a pioneer-like sense of accomplishment afterward. I need a corncob pipe.

If I have to retrieve those screws, I’m calling a professional while I bask in this most excellent weather.