I thought my two cat lads — King Edward I and Cricket the Great (Eater) of Dover — to be normal felines, or at least normal by cat standards. Then I began writing out the care schedule for my pet sitter, Gail.

It’s seeing it in writing that gives me pause. I start with a cheery greeting.

“Hello, Gail! The boys are thrilled that you’ll be around to cater to their every whim.” No, better change that up. “Hi, Gail! Eddie and Cricket are happy you’re here.” The truth is, Cricket won’t be happy at all about having Gail here.

To him, she’s an intruder even though she is the sweetest, kindest, most animal lovingest woman I know. I can’t convince him that she’s not going to come after him with the vacuum cleaner or feed him on bok choy.

Instructions commence with the feeding ritual.

“Their morning meal happens by 7 a.m. or all heck occurs. Feed each cat one fourth of a can of food chopped up and in a clean crockery bowl, plus one scant quarter cup of dry — about three tablespoons, give or take — in a plastic bowl.

Cricket is served in the laundry room and Edward in the kitchen. You’ll need to stand over the King’s dish and encourage him that he’s doing a good job in dulcet tones while assuring him that Cricket will not sneak up and nip at his tail to take over his food bowl.

Cricket will not need encouragement to finish all of his food, though it may be entertaining to have a stopwatch handy. Ed likes to ration his comestibles throughout the day and night, so his bowl will need to be relocated to a private place where Cricket the Marauder won’t lick it clean.

I suggest placing it on my nightstand upstairs. Be sure he sees that it’s there before you leave. You can achieve a connection by standing nearby and pointing at it.

“In addition to the feeding, Edward will meow to run outside to do his business mid-meal, then come back inside, eat a few bites, and go back outside, then return, back out, etc. This may occur up to three exits and reentries, with three being his limit. He is aware of this. It can be confusing at times, especially when Cricket joins the rotation.

To make things easier, I have nailed up an office-style “IN and OUT” sign with each of their names on movable tabs. This way you can place each cat’s name tab as they come and go. Use both hands, when necessary. While Eddie is out having his morning constitutional, scrape up any leftover bits of wet food into the center of his bowl, so that he doesn’t have to work too hard.

“Evening feeding: Each boy gets one quarter cup of dry food, however, if I’m home, I divide it into two feedings — one at 4 p.m. and the second at 6 p.m. This way, they think they’re getting more.

This notion is particularly pleasing to Cricket who is forever accusing me of favoring “wussy boy.”

WB’s leftovers will have to be put elsewhere once again. I usually put it on the coffee table where I can prevent Cricket creepage. But since you won’t be around long, maybe place it back up on the nightstand and point.”

On the next page, are litter box directions.

“There are two litter boxes, which need daily scooping — one upstairs and one down. Edward will have nothing to do with the downstairs loo, as Cricket will have defiled it. King Ed’s is the upstairs throne, at least as far as number one is concerned.

Number two may result in a different outcome entirely. My former neighbor referred to Eddie as a “poop marker,” meaning he marked his kingdom boundaries by depositing solid waste hither and yon.

Since he doesn’t have the option of telling you he needs out, he may decide to get creative. You may, for instance, pull back the shower curtain to discover a boundary has been declared there.”

This would all be hilarious if it weren’t true, and a direct reflection of my waxing lunacy. I will enjoy my time away. Cheerio!